ON CHILDHOOD
ON CHILDHOOD
When I was a little girl, I was wearing Mao’s suit,
holding Mao’s little red book,
actually reciting has works.
My childhood was full of memory that belongs to a period of Cultural Revolution.
The Cultural Revolution was actually an exciting time for me.
Because it was a time for community.
I had great sense of being part of a huge community.
Because everybody was on the street or everybody was holding this red book
Everybody was called on to do something together
So there wasn’t any sense of individuality
I was just part of a group.
I learnt how to become part of the family.
That was actually my little or small problem.
I feel I always have this small aspect of me, if not a huge one,
wanting to become an individual, wanting to be different.
I always want to be different.
For instance, when everybody was doing a “集体舞”, dancing together,
I would bound to do something else.
So by then I knew I had a little bit different voice.
But I didn’t know how to express that.
I wasn’t so sure whether I should express that individual voice.
ON FIRST CONTACT WITH THE WEST
I didn’t know I have family in America until 1972 when Nixon visited China.
All of sudden, my aunt showed up in China
I was looking at her. I saw she was so beautiful, I saw she was so bourgeois
She looked just like the bad people, so beautiful
As if beauty should be condemned,
as if grace should be condemned.
So I was really looking at her through the eyes of the communist,
like we should be plain, simple, no makeup, no jewelry.
So I was a little shocked to know someone from the United Stated was my aunt and she was beautiful.
I was wearing clothe that’s brought to me by my aunt and her daughter
so I appear to be very different in school all of sudden.
I was wearing this big belt-bottom kind of trousers and it was very different.
And that was in the color of the sky
It was not deep blue, it was very light blue.
And on top of it, I went out and bought a pair of red shoes.
So I was really a different looking person
By then I was totally attracted to a different look
By then I felt like my individuality emerged.
So that’s why I planted the idea in myself or
their arrival in China inspired me about another world.
童年
我小时侯 常穿红小兵服
手拿一本小红宝书竟然会背诵毛主席的诗词
我的童年充满了对文化大革命的记忆
我觉我那其实是一段挺激动人心的岁月
那是一个崇尚集体的时代
我有种清晰的归属感
大家经常聚集在大街上 手举红宝书
每个人都在为响应某种号召行动着
那时没有丝毫的个人意识
你就是集体中的一部分
我学会了如何做集体中的一员
其实这就是我的一个小问题
我一直感到我体内潜在着个人觉醒意识
有愿望与众不同 表达不同声音
我总是想与众不同
比如大家都在跳集体舞动作一致
我肯定要做点不同动作
那时我就意识到我有点个性声音
但我不知如何表达
或是否应该表达我的个性
第一次接触西方
1972年尼克松访华后我的姑妈突然回国
此前我从来不知道我有家人在美国生活
我打量着姑妈的仪表神态 发现她真美 真资产阶级
她就象那时所批判的那种腐败的人
好像美就应遭到谴责
雍容华贵就应遭到批判
那时我完全被洗脑 从党的眼光去打量她
大家应该朴素 不化装 不戴首饰
我很吃惊这个来自美国的人竟是我的姑妈
而且她很美
我开始穿姑妈和表姐从美国带来的衣服
突然间我在学校的穿着变得与众不同起来
我开始穿一条裤腿大开的喇叭裤
裤子是天空的颜色
裤子不是大众的深蓝色是浅蓝色的
更有甚者 我又去买了一双红皮鞋穿上
我变成一个穿着迥异的人
那时我开始对新的面貌感兴趣
从那时起 我觉得我的个性开始萌芽
我告诉自己一定要走出去
美国家人的出现启发我去发现另一个世界